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Hogwarts Professors

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::Stmbles through the door:: [26 Oct 2003|08:25pm]

[ mood | bitchy ]

Hmne: Are you alright professor Zantinia.

Z: Yes....no... quite so.. ::hangs on to the door frames and she measures up the distance from the door to her desk:: Just a bit off today... ::she finishes stumbling to her desk trying to keep her posture, she is followed by a group of ferrets who are pulling a small wagon:: Ahem... I am not feeling quiet well today student as I am sure you all have noticed... ::mumbles underneath her breath:: all men should be castrated....::cough:: but like anyday, as someday you all might learn that happiness can come from a bottle.

::Ron turns to Harry::
R: Is she talking about liquor?
::harry just shrugs::

Z: ::glares up at the ron and harry:: SHUT UP YOU TWO!!!! JUST BECause YOU TWo have penise means you can talk while I am talking! 25 points from Gryffindor!

Hmne: But Madame they didn't...

Z: Oh Hermoine.. poor poor ignorant child... you will learn soon enough no matter how dumb males may seem, they will in the end hurt you...No I am talking about wonderful candy coated jagged little pills called prozac.. Ask you muggle studies professor about it.. Well on with class :: she then throws a few pills back:: Today we shall studie the muggle version of "magic" Which is really just plan parlor tricks.

D: Party tricks...I didn't come here to learn about party tricks...

Z: Draco don't test me.. just because you are who you are doesn't mean I will not beat you bloody with a turkey, if I ever got the chance...No to survive in the muggle world you must at least know one of the best "magicians ever" the great Houdini. Much rather he was an illusionist. The muggles like to entertain themselfs with simple trick of the hand. What can I say muggles are stupid, especially ones who work at pubs.. but I won't go into that... ::she looks to the door to motion some circus midgets to bring in items:: I have brought some of he famous stunts, Strait jackets, chaines, pin box, chinese water chamber, and various other things. ::the midgets fix everything around the room:: By each display you will find a short history about the object and how to use it.. feel free to play with them, and if you hurt you self it is not my problem, you know where the infamery is. And I trust you are old enough to take yourselves there. Well other than that I haven't slept in four days... so I am off to drug myself up even more in hopes to sleep. Any Questions?

::many hands are waving in the air::

Z: None? ... good... ::gets up from her desk:: Oh and if any one of you think you can get out of class early you are wrong. ::snaps her fingers and a pudgy ferret waddles into the room, she nods to the ferret and he waddles to the desk and attempts to climb up:: You know my companion, Podo, and you all know he has an apetite large enough to eat many babies. :: looks over at Podo who is still trying to get on to the desk: *Sigh** ::walks over and picks Podo up and puts him on the desk, Podo starts to jump, but because of his fat he quits and lays down instead:: I guarantee if you try to leave before the class is over, I will know about it, and he will eat you...or try at least. So DONT DO IT!!! ::walks over to the door and stops:: Mr. Malfoy what did I say about reading the intructions before playing with the objects, you first but your victim in the box, THEN fill it up with water...::sigh:: ::reaches in her robes and pulls out her her pill bottle:: No matter what age, all mean are morons.... ::pulls the little wagon that the ferrets brought int behind her:: I think I want to have a bon-fire...

We want points!

...back in the dungeons... [21 Oct 2003|12:52am]

[ mood | confused ]

*enter Chinchilla & Sevy's dungeon with view of two large trunks open, spilling their contents all over the place. Sequined jackets, bustiers, and black silk underwear are everywhere.*
*Chinchilla comes in, quite annoyed at the days class and stops short*
Ch: Sevy...what are you doing?
*we see Severus prancing around all decked out in a black sequin corset, thigh high fishnets, and stiletto heels*
Svy: Doxies!
Ch: Honey, if you wanted to get into my Rocky stuff, you could've just asked...I would've given you something vinyl...more your type...
Svy: vinyl? DOXIES!!
Ch: Sevy, hon, i think it's time for you to change into that god-awful grey flannel nightshirt and go to bed. and lay off the PCP.
Svy: Vinyl doxies...Funyon!
*later, sevy is out of the corset, into the nightshirt, and still blathering on about doxies and vinyl...*
*there is a commotion at the door*
Ch: ::opens the door, and as she does, Potter, Weasly, and Grainger stop dead in their tracks:: Out of bed again children?
H: we were hungry!
Ch: That, my dear, is what room service is for. First you assist Peeves in the imprisonment of my cat, now this?!? What is wrong with you Gryffindors? Noble and Brave my arse. Stupid more like it. Sweet wounded Jesus, if you're going to be up this late, at least use your bloody invisibility cloak.
R: um...
Ch: 15 points from gryffindor.
Hmne: But he didn't do anything!
Ch: Quiet, or I'll double that. No...triple. There are three of you.
Harry: *peeking over Chinchilla's shoulder* What's wrong with Professer Snape?
R: *does the Ron*
Ch: 50 points from Gryffindor. You shall speak of this to no one. Harry, if you do, I shall make gigantic poster sized copies of the pictures of you and Draco and post them 'round school.
Hmne: You and Draco?
H: *blush* I don't know what you're talking about. We were just getting some muffins...we'll be back to the common room now...
*students scuttle off*
Ch: Damn straight. Bitch.

2 Points| We want points!

[19 Oct 2003|11:55pm]

[ mood | awake ]

::glares at class::
::recieves blank stares from them all::
::hears a faint meowing from beneath the desk::
Ch: So who decided it was a good idea to trap my cat under the desk?
Harry: *raises hand* Um...professer...you did...
H: but...you told professer Snape he was in jail last class...
Ch: Well he was, but I sure didn't put him there!
Ron: we didn't do it!!
Ch: Ron, why are we backtalking our professer?
R: *does the ron face*
Ch: As I thought. Now I think we should start on our lesson today. it's a truth serum.
Copy the ingredients from the board, then come up and gather exactly what you need from the table, and take them back to your desk. DO NOT START ON YOUR POTIONS UNTIL I HAVE CHECKED YOUR SCROLLS. Am I clear?
Class: Yes Professer Irwin-Snape.
H: *grumbling* two of them...
Ch: What was that?
H: Um...we need two...eh, drams...yeah of wormwood.
Ch: Right. Ten points from Gryffindor for obnoxious backtalk.
*all of a sudden, there is mad giggling and a random hissing coming from above. Peeves descends through the ceiling with a small, angry looking ferret ghost on his head*
*the once grey tabby turns bright blue and starts yowling*
Ch: Dammit Peeves! Let him go!
P: HEhehehehehHhehehe, kitty cat in Azkaban...alas, no dementors....so sad...but he's blue...so blue...like he had watercolours...*it begins to rain blue...inside. Peeves and the ferret vanish*
Draco: MY HAIR!
Ch: Shut up Draco, or I'll sic your feline father on you. *to the rain* Nonliquidus Totallis! *rain subsides* *sigh* How rude. Go on, finish your work.
I'd like a copy I can read by next class.
::takes a seat at her desk. the blue cat jumps into her lap, she absentmindedly strokes his fur and he does the creepy eye thing::

3 Points| We want points!

Gilderoys got a cold and Prof Snape blends a potion. [19 Oct 2003|12:18pm]

Snape entered Prof. Sprouts green house.
Sn: Ah Prof. Sprout, do you have any shrooms this morning?
Sp: As a matter of fact there's a new batch this morning! How many do you need?
Sn: Oh just a few, I'm brewing a potion.
Prof. Sprout "flies" over to get some.
Sn: Hm... I see you've been in the peyote again....
Sp: What's that? I've been given a pay raise?
Floats back with a small bag of shrooms. *~*~*~ It was only actually just a turn to the table behind her but seems like it's a looooooonnnnnnggg way across the room to Snape.
Sp: Whew, I never thought I'd reach you.
Sn: Yes.... Well I'm off to my potions laboratory.

Gilderoy stepps into Snapes lab. Madame P. said you hab a potiond to helb my cold. Snape turns and holds out a flask.
Sn: As a matter of fact, I just finished brewing the shrooms.
GL: Shroombs? Id looks hod.
Blows his stuffy nose and Snape winces slightly with disgust.

Sn: Drink it before it gets cold.
Hands the flask to Gilderoy who chugs it down.
GL: I dobn't feel a thingk. Well I'd better ged back to by romb.
Snape grabs Gilderoys shoulder.
Sn: Uh wait, it doesn't take effect until you go into this room and give it time.
GL: Bud whad will I do while I wait?
Sn: Oh, don't worry, I've provided free entertainment.
GL: A bovie? I jusd love bovies!
Snape shoves Gilderoy into a darkened closet.
GL: I dobn't see any bovie....
Snape listens from the other side of the door to Gilderoy.
GL: Oh wait, here comes the bovie now. Wow! There's a liddle fan and you know if you close one eye id looks really... cool... WHOOP! The bovie's starding!
Sn: Is that so?
GL: Yes ad id has badgers....lods of badgers.... id has a bushroom... badgers... Whoa.... bushooms..... AHHHHHH! a sdake!!!! ....oh badgers again...... ad bushrooms....
Sn: That's nice.
Walks off leaving Gilderoy locked in the closet.
GL: badgers... tonds of the liddle buggers... Oap! it's the bushroom again... **Giggles** AHHHHHHH!!!! SNAKE!!!!

See Gilderoys trip?
1 Point| We want points!

^_^ "Bothering Snape" [19 Oct 2003|08:48am]

[ mood | amused ]

^_^ I hope no one minds but this seems relevant enough. It's an amusing flash movie from newgrounds.com called "Bothering Snape" **Grin** I believe it will make you laugh.


6 Points| We want points!

[19 Oct 2003|03:46am]

[ mood | calm ]

*glances up slightly from her open notebook as students walk in and take their seats, but then goes back to scribbling in it* *closes book when everyone has entered*

Ne: Professor Pyralis, what were you writing in the book?
Ki: Nothing you all should read until you're older...much older...
*students look confused* ...nevermind. This class isn't about my fiction. I have graded your tests, and while most of you passed, I am still concerned about one thing. Mainly, it's the essay portion of the test that I was disappointed with. Both Professor Arisman and I are concerned about your writing skills, especially in the area of spelling and grammar. You may not think it important, but it might be for many of you in your future careers. Thus I have decided to start a side English class. Anyone is invited to attend, and while it is not mandatory, I would strongly recommend a few of you come. It will be held Wednesday nights after dinner in this classroom. If you do decide to come, be sure to purchase a plain notebook with lined paper, such as this *holds up notebook* and a pencil. If you have no clue where to get these items, please consult Prof. Arisman about it.

Dr: Aren't those muggle things? What's wrong with quills and parchment?!
Ki: Because that way, if you make a mistake, you can erase it. Now as I was saying... there will probably be other items to purchase later on, such as books..yes we will be reading... but we'll discuss those items as the need arises. And please note, that anyone who attends the class might even get a few extra points for their house...for caring about their schoolwork. *smiles* Alright, enough about that for now... time to get class started.

2 Points| We want points!

same class, different shit.. er.. .day... [18 Oct 2003|09:46pm]

[ mood | crazy ]

:: the door flies open to the muggle studies classroom, and a red faced professor comes blazing ( HA, blazing) through, red not because she has been running in order not to be late, but red b/c that's what happens when you go up in flames like a redneck Christmas tree three days after...Christmas, though she seems to be enjoying this wheelchair that she located in the room of requirement in one of those few moments when Sunshine didn't... require it for mass twinkie and poptart storage.:: Wow, that was a long sentence, thank you Mr. Narrator for say all this... or not saying it, maybe I just have sun stroke, yeah that's it. oh Hi wormbabies! ::waves at the students who are looking at her more confusedly than normal.:: I seem to have gone from teaching a class of children to a class of gubbies, close your mouths, let's not be fly traps. Weasley! I said SHUT. UP. Alright, I'll be passing back the remnants of your tests, those that are less torched are the better of them. Once again Ms. Granger has outdone you all, as per normalcy, aren't we just wonderful. Now since these have gone up in smoke, and since YOU have gone up in smoke I think that these tests will not be allowed redoes. Especially since you've probably lost your souls to Mary Jane at this point anyway. The brownies were quite delicious though, weren't they?

::wheels herself behind her desk after using one leg to shove her swivel chair out of the way, disturbing the orange cat that was lying on it:: Now. I'd like to take a moment to announce your final exam if I haven't already done so. If I have, then too bad. I will field questions after my explanation. Now your final for this year, should unforeseen circumstances not cancel finals for the umpteenth year in a row ::glances at Potter:: Everything alright back there? Exactly. Where was I? Oh yes, finals.... your final will be as follows. I will drop you kids off in the middle of hyde park, without wands, and you have 6 hours to finish the scavenger hunt list I will pass out to you then. You will have to blend in with the muggles around you, no cheating allowed obviously and whoever makes it to the restaurant where I will be having my lunch while you are doing your.... final... will get an extra 50 points for their house. Understood? If you have any questions please raise you hand and put it over your mouth. Good Neville, you're catching on. No seriously, stop it... What's your question?

Ne: Why are you in that wheeled contraption Professor Arisman?
I: Because it's more fun to run over students like this, besides, I couldn't very well drive my automobile down these halls...well actually.... :: Draco raises an eyebrow and Ron does the... well the Ron face:: we'll try that next time won't we now.... ::giggles madly:: Anyway now that you're aware of your final, you'll hopefully take better care to LISTEN! USE YOUR EARS... in this class. b/c your very existence will depend on it. And don't even think of whining to your parents. While I will enjoy following through with my plans anyway, it will make the aftermath more frustrating. and don't worry so much, I'll help anyone in Mortal Peril.. but only if you're nice to me. ::nods decisively:: Oh anyone wishing to use my computer for your work this weekend will have to reschedule. I'm going to be enjoying myself at a sleepover...so I will probably be in no state to even speak to. Neither will anyone else for that matter. So...if you need help you're pretty much screwed.
Her: ::Raises her hand:: Adults have sleepovers?
Im: Some do, they're usually called someting else and about something else but that's not for you to know. ever. And this isn't one of those, we're just eating cookies and giggling madly. Even teachers need to act like children sometimes believe it or not. Anyway. Back to "class" I don't have anything to show you today but if anyone wants to explain why they didn't study for their test I will be all ears


I thought so. Go read chapters 8-10, and I don't know stand on your heads for an hour without the use of magic. maybe a little blood rushing to your heads will stimulate the little brain cells you have left after Zantania's lesson ::rolls her eyes::

4 Points| We want points!

Announcement. [16 Oct 2003|05:42am]

[ mood | geeky ]

Professers, I believe a Hogwarts sleepover is in order.
We must stay up all night and feed Sevy cookies when he gets all pissy that we're up at 3am.

3 Points| We want points!

[06 Oct 2003|02:47am]

[ mood | mellow ]

*students file in, giggling like madmen*
Ch: ::blinks::
*students take their seats, but continue to laugh*
Ch: ::blinks again:: ok...kids...chill.
Ron: Professer...we ARE chill dude...whoah...
Harry: Yeah. *giggle*
Ch: dude? am i hearing things? anyway. why don't we get back to our potions from last class...they have been sealed in tupperware containers and bewitched with anti-going-bad spells, so they should be ready for eating. they need to be warmed though, and the house elves shall provide the pasta and cheese.
Nev: Whoah, like...this is great...i'm STARVED.
*a disgruntled house elf comes in, dragging a gigantic bowl of spaghetti*
HE: *grumble* frickinmugglefood, when will they learn to frickin cookitthemselves. Why i couldntvestayedhome and diedandhadmyheadonthewall like Dear old Mother *sigh*
Ch: *eyebrow raised* What was that?
HE: *jumps* Oh...just saying good day ma'am *grumble* muggle-loving mudbloods so they are...
Hme: *giggle* whats he sayin' professer? *giggle giggle*
Ch: erm...nothing.
HE: *begins to spoon spaghetti onto all the plates, grumbling about muggles and hogwarts all the while*
Ch: now when you have your pasta, you will pour the contents of your potion onto it.
HE: *walks out the door, dragging the now-empty bowl*
Ch: dear, what about the cheese?
*an overlarge can of parmisan cheese flies into the room, barely missing Prof. Irwin's head*
HE: Muggle loving bloody children...always eating. every day...somethingelse.
Ch: *shuts the door and passes around the cheese*
Harry: Whoooaaahhh...duddddde...
*sevy enters from his side of the dungeon*
Sevy: My dear professer, it seems as if the substitude muggle studies teacher has provided some 'wacky weed' for the students.
in fact, she seems to have sent us a tin of suspicious looking brownies...the note attatched says 'Lobster-warming gift'
Ch: hmm. this class doesnt seem to be productive anyway...maybe we should eat them. they do look awfully nummy...chocolate...mmm
Sevy: perhaps so...*he picks up a brownie and takes a bite out of it* mmm, Tasty!
Ch: ::bites into another one:: mmm, they are good.
*soon, the tin is empty, and Sevy and Chinchilla are giggling madly along with the cracked out students*
*the ferrets seem to have gotten some *special* ferretone, and are acting stranger than normal...not prancing around as a troup anymore...more like...lounging...and they have the same glazed look that everyone else has*
Ch: DUDE...Sevy...look at Fred...he's more stoned than usual....*giggle*
Sevy: I bet lucius is real stoned...*giggle*
Ch: no way dude, he's in jaaaaaaaaaaiiiiillll *gigglesnort*
*indeed, the cat seems to be in a faux prison, underneath chinchilla's desk. he is the only sober being in the room.*

We want points!

[05 Oct 2003|02:44pm]

[ mood | high ]

::as the student file into the Mmd. Imbr's class room They notice that there is a woman sitting on top of here desk , crossed legs in very odd robes::

Zantinia: Greeting and love to you students.... ( Zantinia is dressed in hippy looking cloths with her hair all about and a tie tied around her head like a headband) ::Gives the peace sign to the students as they pass the desk:: Whoa.... you all are like.... one.. with your robs... and wow it is like you guys came from... ::holds her hands close to her:: one.... :: she lets her hands go up to the sky like a dove:: Almost like you all are cloned.. ::cough::

::random groans from the students as they take their seats::

Hermoine: Umm Ma'me... where is Madme Imbri?

Z: Whoa it is like you read my mind Hermoine... we must be ... like... connected on some pyschic plaine.... wow...

Draco: Our teacher got torched last night... like a match..

Z: Wow.... draco... you and I.. must be whoa.... this is sooo wicked....cool... ::she takes another hit ::

Ron:: What is that WICKED AWFUL SMELLLL YUCK....

Z: Well students... SINCE this is Muggle studies... I took it upon myself to introduce you to my best friend...... Her name is mary jane... ::Holds up her bunt like Vana White HUGE smile across her face::

::Harry turn to Ron::
H:: Who is Mary Jane???
R::Ron shrugs:: Maybe she is a friend to proffessor Zant...

Z::inturrupts Ron:: Mary Jane is a good friend of mine, yes Ron ::takes a hit:: She is better know as a ::exhales:: NAr-CO-TIC ::cough:: in the Muggles worlds. Now say it with me class NAR-CO-TIC!
::the whole calls repeats after her::
This certain narcotic ::taks a hit:: is more widly known as ::exhales:: Marijuana.. No ways it with me MAR-I-JUA-NA.
::Class repeats after her again::
Or more as weed, I am sure you have seen our janitor Sunshine talk of this "weed", well now you know what she is talking about. The Muggles tend to smoke this herb ::sets down her blunt :: It is a hallucinagent, now can someone tell me what a Hallucinagent is? :: Looks around:: Come on I know you have taken Herology already.... you Nevel.. what is a Hallucinagent?

Nevel: Hmmm some that is.. ummmthat happens when you eat certain herbs..?

Z:: close but no..It is an AGENT that make you Hallucinate. very simple....Most Muggles take this herb to have phsyodelic feild days, and get away from the world. To forget their problems for a short while, and even though the problems are still there they don't want them to be there to they smoke to their hearts content just to try and forget, but no mattter how much they smoke they will never get away from their problems.....

::confused look accross every ones faces::

:Z: Ahem.. in other words they take it to feel good. But it is also HIGLY addicting, and VERY ILLEGAL! So I ask you stident not to try some in the muggles world. You will get into so much trouble evern the highest authority at hogwarts wouldn't beable to help you.

Harr: then if it is illegal why do you have it then.

Z: There are always ways to get around the system, you see Hogwarts is in no juridiction and I have it for medicinal purposes. ::big smile across her face:: You I will allow you student to try a bit of my "medicine" but only today. A little won't hurt just so you will see what I am talking... ::she reaches underneath her desk and start pulling out oddly shapped bottles and a batch of brownies, She picks up on of the bottles:: This, students, is a bong. Say it with me... BOOOOOOOOONNNNGGGGG ::begins to laugh, the effects of the drug is taking effect:: the effects of this drug is quit amusing, :;laughing:: one symtom is laughing ... and the incredible urge to eat. You will see that you have some booooooonnngggss on your desks, one to each two students. You will also see you have ...you have a small batch of brownies infront of you.. ::hysterical laughing from the back of the class:; What is that racket??

Draco:: So..rry... ::Laughs::

Z: As you can see Malfoy has already elighten himself ::giggles:: with the bath of sweets....So please one of you pick up the boooongs and begine to pack in the Marijuan that you can find in a small baggy on your desks. thats it... ::she begins to pack her own very LARGE Bong:: now take the lighter.. bacareful now...

Hermoine: Can't we just ue our magic to light it...

Z: No I want you to see how it feels to be a Muggle lighting their own bongs....

::Draco still laughing hysterically in the back::

Z: Now take the primative lighter and hold it near this opening ::points on her bong) and in hale very gentley don inhale too much or... ::loud coughing in the back:: Nevel! I SAID INHALE GENTLY not like a vaccume...

::all at oncethe entire class in coughing:: Now with your next hit hold it in.. that good class keep it up, She turn on the strob light and hippy music:: Now just enjoy it students.... Don't forget to eat the "special" That I prepared ::laughs and looks at her hand: Wow.. I have five fingers... whoa.. and they move... ::looks around:: Come one every one don't be so stiiff move around.. DANCE!! Back it up ::begins to back it up:: Come on malfoy I know you know how to back it up, like you back it up with Harry!!! ::flais her armsout and takes another hit of the bong::
::by this time the entire class is so stoned::

Z: Man I love Muggle studies....

5 Points| We want points!

mugglexpotions [30 Sep 2003|10:48pm]

[ mood | annoyed ]

::walks in, wearing a black pair of pants, long sleeved black shirt with high collar, and black robes. her hair is in her face, mimicing sevy's usual hairstyle::
Harry: *screams*
Ch: Shut up Harry, this is something muggles call 'cosplaying' Ask your muggle studies professer about it...well...once she gets back from the hospital wing.
H: *whimper*
Ch: Today class, we are going to learn how to make a potion that has no real purpose other than to taste good, and make your belly full.
remember how we learned to use the muggle things to grind our ingredients? Yes, well you'll be needing those, and you'll need garlic, tomatoes, tomato paste, a beef log, salt, pepper, basil, and...yes. i believe thats it. Pasta will be provided by the house elves.
instructions on how to fix this is on the board. There will be a small amount of silly wand waving in this class, just enough to light a small fire under your cauldrons. i don't trust you all with matches.
*suddenly a bright blue tabby cat comes tearing in, screeching bloody murder*
LUCIUS MALFOY! I demand you stop that ruckus this instant! *stomp* WHY, may i ask, are you BLUE?!?
*a small troup of ferrets march in; they all seem to be grinning. They are followed by Peeves, who has something small perched on his head*
Ah. I see.
*Lucius is perched on top of Hermione's head, hissing. As he moves, he becomes entangled in her bushy hair*
Hrmny: Um, Professer Irwin-Snape, I have a blue cat in my hair, may i be excused?
Ch: *sigh* I suppose. But go straight to the charms professer to get that straightened out. Peeves, must you encourage this?
Pvs: Hahaha...hehehe...i'm the laughing gnome and you can't catch me...*floats down the hall, singing as he goes. the troup of ferrets follows*
Ch: You are not a....ugh. no use.
Class: *blank stares*
Ch: Go on, get to work! What, are you waiting for me to sprout wings or something?!?
*grumble, grumble*
::sits at her desk and glares through her hair at the class, in her best Snape impression::

2 Points| We want points!

eh....heheheeee.... [30 Sep 2003|07:41pm]

[ mood | amused ]

The beginning of explosive intentions....

And Sevy actually wondered WHY his desk was the newest one in the entire school ::bows:: thank you thank you...

We want points!

*late sunday night* [29 Sep 2003|12:27am]

[ mood | FLAMING DEATH! ]

::a loud explosion is heard in the direction of Imbri's office and flames fly out the door, singing her kitty:: Fuck! Anyone? Fire extinguisher?! PLEASE?! ::thinks fast then douses herself with water before dragging herself to the infirmary with the help of a very frightened scarecrow who is looking at her and hoping she doesn't light up again 'ere he get toasted::

2 Points| We want points!

[25 Sep 2003|01:02am]

[ mood | calm ]

*walks into classroom with a notebook, a pack of donuts, and a cappuccino in hand* Alright, alright everyone settle down. Today we have...a quiz! *random students groan* Yes, yes I know you all are so happy.

Random Gryff: But Professor, we had a test in Muggle studies too.

K: I'm sorry, is that my problem? *smiles* Besides, this quiz is quite simple...if you did the reading. Now please take one and pass the rest. *watches as they pass around the quiz papers* Alright, you may begin. *sits at desk as a scarecrow from the back of the room suddenly appears and walks around the students*

Hermione: *raises hand* Professor...there's a...scarecrow...
Harry: Isn't that the one from History of Magic?

K: Yes, it was... but since you have Professor Zantania now, you didn't need it for a substitute anymore...thus I took it for myself. His name is Benedick and he will be watching to make sure you don't cheat. If he catches you doing so, he will begin beating you over the head with his hat. ^ ^ So...don't cheat. *opens notebook, takes out a donut and begins working on latest fanfic*

6 Points| We want points!

Test time! [24 Sep 2003|09:22pm]

[ mood | bored ]

::enters the room carrying a waterproof folder, several boxes of crayons, her cell phone, a pack of cloves, some books and a few skeins of colored yarn:: Hi kids, hope you've been having a good day b/c I'm about to make it not so good and it'd be nice to balance out as opposed to being depressing. :: unceremonious dumps all the stuff on the desk as 'lendel jumps on it and beings playing with the yarn, rolling himself up in it until she shoves him off, he of course taking the yarn with him:: baka neko... ::picks up the folder of tests and the boxes of crayons::

Alright here's the deal. I told you last class you'd be having a test today. So guess what I have in my hot little paw? Your test ::groans erupt in the class:: Hey now don't get all upset now. I have here in my other hand a few boxes of crayons, I've taken the liberty of pulling out all the light colored ones so you don't pick those and try to blind me. I will pass a box to each person in the front row and they will pick on and only one for use on their test paper. Yes? ::nods to a hufflepuff in the back::

Hu: Why are we writing in crayon?
I: Good question....Karen. You are writing in crayon b/c my shipment of waterproof inks hasn't arrived yet and these little babies are waterproof. After the essay incident I didn't want to take any chances. However if you all do well then this won't be a problem anyway. ::looks around the class and then passes out the boxes:: Malfoy stop trying to find the silver, I took it out, just take a color and pass it on.

::the boxes are passed back up and she takes them, throwing them behind her where they scatter all over the floor:: Everyone have one? If you don't you're out of luck. And out a good grade. Now I will pass out the tests, you have the entire class period to finsh, take as much time as you like, once you are down please bring them up to me and you're free to go I guess. ::passes out the papers:: Oh, write legibly please, If I can't read it I won't grade it. Also, no cheating, if you heat, I and the rest of the school will know. ::smiles viciously then sits down after they begin::
I: 'lendel.... bring it back. ::grabs the yarn and untangles it so she can start crochetting, while the cat sleeps on the edge of the desk as, after a while, the students start turning in their papers and leave:: I should do this test thing more often, so nice and quiet, ne kitty? ::scratches 'lendel behind the ears until he jumps up and runs down to the dungeons to visit his brother::

We want points!

my my my aren't our classes sporadic. [19 Sep 2003|02:14am]

[ mood | aggravated ]

i believe last class i asked you all to finish your potions you were working on.
and..if i didn't, it's what i meant, and you should have known.
so turn them in.
now today is going to be fun.
i want you all to listen carefully. I shall teach you the proper art of grinding solid ingredients and how to store them.
actually, everyone up from your desks. gather up here where you can see.
C: Weasly, do you have Xray vision?
R: no...
C: Then why are you standing in the back. You of all people should learn this. I saw some mandrake chunks floating in your last potion.
R: *turns red...well...more red...*
Anyway, as I was saying. If you have solid objects, you generally want them to be ground as finely as possible. Unless of course, the potion calls for chunks, which the last one did not. You take a muggle contraption called a mortar and pestle, and you place said object inside. you then grind, like so.
*collective giggle*
::raises eyebrow::
does somebody want to be turned into a ferret and bounced?
so you keep grinding...this is work mind you...until its fine, almost like floo powder.
(From Snape's area of the classroom)
Draco: MY father buys me pre-ground ingredients. They're more expensive, but worth it...he doesn't want me to get my hands dirty in simple muggle work.
C: Malfoy, I'll have you know that the ingredients your father buys are nowhere near as nice quality as the home-ground ingredients we have here. THAT much was shown in your last potion.
Sevy: Malfoy, SILENCE. You are not to backtalk my lobster. 10 points from Slytherin.
C: My deepest apologies Sevy
S: Quite alright. His knickers are in a twist today anyway.
C: (to class) So as for storing the now-powdered ingredients, you take a glass jar, slightly tinted, and funnel the powder in carefully so as not to spill it.
You then cap or cork it and store it at room temperature out of direct sunlight.
R: isn't there an easier way?
C: Yes, but it's more fun to watch students do it this way.
besides, I will have no silly wand-waving in my class.
Everyone, grab a clove of garlic and powder and store it.
*to herself* ...that won't explode when longbottom fucks up...
::looks at the sad array of potions she's gotten in from the last class::
damned busbus children...

1 Point| We want points!

another day of class [18 Sep 2003|07:56pm]

[ mood | like burning ]

::enters the classroom, wearing a pinstripe suit and dark blue robes, her hair a shocking shade of blue:: Hello kids, good to see you again, please have a seat ::sits down on the edge of her desk:: Those of you who have essays for me to grade please pass them up now ::waits for the students to shuffle around and pass the papers up then collects them::

Now, If you will please read chapter 6 and 7 of your text and I will grade these papers and decide whether I need to put the fear of the old testament God into you at the end of class or not. ::puts the pile of papers on her desk:: Yes Longbottom?

N: Your hair is blue
I: your powers of observation are impeccable, do you practice or does it come naturally?
N: ::looks confused::
I: never mind. I've taken a liking to this color and if my liking doesn't change in the next few minutes it will stay blue for a while. Now please get to your reading so I can get to my grading.

::the class grumbles a little and starts reading while she moves to sit in her chair, making sure she doesn't accidentally tip over since someone had the brilliant idea of removing one of the wheels::

about half an hour later

::the entire class is still reading though there is a smell of burning in the room and slowly little by little they look up, fidgeting in their seats::

I: ::looks up and sees Malfoy's hand in the air:: Yes Mr. Malfoy do you have something to contribute?
D: Your hair is on fire.
I: ::looks up at the flaming mass of hair which has ceased to be blue and is now black:: It is isn't it, that's what happens when I get 5 spelling errors in a sentence that is five words long... ::pulls a pack of cloves out of her desk drawer and lights one on the flaming hair then continues reading, ignoring the gaping mass of faces as she enjoys her cigarette::
H: Smoking isn't allowed at Hogwarts....professor.
I: ::glances up from the last paper she's grading as the cigarettes is almost to the filter::You kids are lucky one of you isn't smoking, because you would be on fire..Accio water! :: a large amount of water appears above her head, dousing both her hair and her cigarette in one loud splash:: Crabbe?
Cr: Ma'am?
I: Did you learn basic spelling?
Cr: ::looks confusedly at Malfoy who nods curtly:: yes ma'am.
I: I wonder if I knocked your head into Goyle's if there would be a resounding rattling noise....
R: ::snickers::
I: Weasley, you're not much better. ::picks up the papers which are now completely soaked and illegible from all the water smeared ink:: Well, seeing as these papers are completely drenched I guess you will have to do without getting them returned. They were all a great improvement over last time though any improvement would be considered great when the original essay are taken into account. Against my better judgment I have given nothing below an "a", these grades will be averaged with your first essay and I will mark said grade on your next test which will be next class. The test will cover what we have learned so far as well as chapters 1-7 of the text.
I have here a few review sheets ::holds up a waterproof folder:: take one on your way out if you wish one and I think you will... especially since I don't recall having you read chapters 2-5...the information is rather basic though so if you read the text using the outline as an informative guide you should do fine. And please do improve your grammar and spelling, you're 6th years you should know better by now, if you need help I have several books on the subject, they are made for students much younger than you but unfortunately they don't make them in your age group. Just see me during my office hours if you think you may have a problem. ::wipes off her glasses then puts them back on and taps her head with her wand the hair growing back to it's original length and shade of blue:: and if you thought this was bad :: point to a still smoldering piece of hair on the floor:: then you would'nt've wanted to be with me in detention while I graded the last set... you were lucky the whole castle didn't burn down. Have a good afternoon, pick up your review forms and study for your test. And by studying I don't mean cramming the night before, I want you to do well, you've already got one professor raining fire and brimstone down upon the lot of you ::looks over at the gryffindor and a smirking Malfoy:: I don't think you want another. Cramming does not work, I went to school once upon a time too so you can trust me on this.::significant glances all around:: alright? Now go get out of my sight before I set something else on fire.

2 Points| We want points!

to all professors whom it concerns: [18 Sep 2003|04:03pm]

[ mood | recumbent ]

It has come to my attention that we as faculty ::giggles then takes a sip of latte in an attempt to make it look like she wasn't in fact giggling:: of this school must do our part in reducing the amount of the muggle substance known as crack ::pauses and here several voices chorus "CR-ACK! LOTS OF IT!!!" then nods and continues:: that professor Zantania consumes per day... I'm not sure if Sunshine wishes to clean up the mangled corpses of hamsters much longer though she may be interested in the crack supply.

We want points!

[18 Sep 2003|10:18am]

I LOVE TO EAT HAMSTERS!! :: runs down the hall of Hogwarts screaming jumping around::
1 Point| We want points!

Class: History of Magik 101 [05 Sep 2003|02:17pm]

[ mood | awake ]

:: a colorfully dress ( much looks like a cross between a peacock and a flamingo) woman stumbles through the door:: Good day to you class :: She tries to gain her posture but again stumbls over air:: ::FLUMP::
::confused looks on all the classes faces::
Ahem... ::rights herself up:: I am sure that was one introduction you all won't forget.

:: Malfoy mutters::Where do they find these looneys.

For you information they find these "looneys" here at Hogwarts.. ::looks down at a rooster:: Mr. Marlfoy. 20 pts from Slytherine thanks to the little blonde one there for thinking I am a crack pot looney.:: evel glare from Malfoy::

D: If my father were here..

I do say if your father were here I would ::blushes:: Opps.. that is very inappropriate to talk about right now. Well to all of you other students My name is Professor Sicrises Zantinia, and I am your History of magic Professor. I do hope you enjoyed your substitute teacher while I was not present. :: Motions her hand to a Scare crow sitting at her desk::

::another wave of confusion among the students::
::Hermoine raises her hand::

SZ:Yes Miss... ::checks her list again:: Grainger.
H: Madame.. ::points to the Scarcrow:: that's a Scare Crow...
SZ : ::looks at the students... then at the scar crow.. and again at the students, then at the scarecrow:: Why... so.. it.. is.. ::walsk over to the scarcrow picks it up and tosses it out side the class room door:: well now it is a pile of straw out side the door.. hee.. hee... :: Cleans what ever remained of the last teacher and sits down:: well as my First act of being your professor I shall all give you a gift.

:: everyone gets a little happy::

SZ: ::Smiles:: A Pop Quiz!!!

:: General moaning around the room::

Malfoy: Who do you expect us to pass the test if we weren't taught anything...

SZ: well It is not my problem that you didn't pay any attention to you substitute teacher. ::begins to pass out the test to each student:: Just leave the test on my desk at the end of class.. Good Luck!! ::Sits down at her desk and starts to read various manga books::

5 Points| We want points!

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