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Hogwarts Professors

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Canon? What's that? [01 Aug 2005|04:54am]

OOC: Important notice here people! We're going to carry on as always, pretending Book Six never happened, as it's not nearly as fun with Draco and Snape on the lamb. Okay, now that that's out of the way...

IC: Alright, everyone shut up! *pulls out a clove* You might notice my hus-er assistant Erik is missing today. That's because he's helping out in potions at the moment while Professor Snape recovers from the trauma that is his new makeover. Apparently he hasn't gotten over the shock that, yes he looks that damn fine.

Everyone else: *stare*
Ron: *does the Ron*

Anyway, while he is down there, a friend of mine shall be taking over as my assistant. *a scruffy, tall man with a cane and dressed in a t-shirt, a button-up shirt, and a jacket limps into the DADA room* You can call him Professor House.

He: *raises hand* He's not wearing the standard robes of the professors though!
H: That would break my non-conformity rule, and if I did that, I'd have to kill myself.
He: *blink*

K: Yes, I think Prof. House will work out quite nicely. Okay, everyone take out your texts and turn to Chap- WEASLEY DON'T YOU DARE FALL ASLEEP IN MY CLASS!
H: Ooh, busted.
K: Turn to Chapter 10 and read. *flops down at desk and transfigures an empty desk into a chair for House*
5 Points| We want points!

dumbledore? [21 Mar 2005|11:27pm]

[ mood | confused ]

Would you and Sunshine please stop smoking Mrs. Norris long enough to make some sort of announcement of authority?

3 Points| We want points!

[21 Dec 2004|02:51am]

[ mood | drained ]

*appears, looking quite disheveled, yet triumphant. She is dragging a quite annoyed Severus by the wrist. His lovely pinstripe coat is half off, his hair's a mess, and he seems to have a banana peel on one shoulder. He is pissed.*
CIS: *quietly* I found him.

10 Points| We want points!

Problem! [07 Dec 2004|10:14am]

[ mood | thirsty ]

Attention all staff:

We, uh... seem to be missing someone. And he goes by the name Severus. He was last seen after the QE guys had left, and he was mumbling something about "never going to get any respect in these damn clothes".

RW: *yelling from Gryff. Tower* OH GOD HE'S LOOSE!
K: 20 points from Gryffindor for yelling during my announcement!

If anyone has any information as to his whereabouts, please report it to either myself, Professor Arisman, or Professor Irwin-Snape. That is all!

3 Points| We want points!

To all staff: [06 Dec 2004|10:52pm]

[ mood | confused ]

I seem to be in the midst of a rather strange conundrum. I thank professor Irwin-Snape for making me aware of this situation. There seems to be some arguments over my position as professor of Muggle Studies. Why i wasn't informed I do not know, however, seeing as it has come to my attention a quick resolution is called for. Request discussion.

~Imbrium Arisman, Professor of Muggle Studies.

PS: Whoever poured red ink over my final exam essays. Very funny. I'm most amused. ONLY NOW I CAN'T GRADE THEM! All staff please be on the lookout for a student with ink all over their hands.

4 Points| We want points!

All Things Just Keep Getting Better! [01 Dec 2004|12:18am]

[ mood | geeky ]

Alright people! It's time for the unveiling! *QE boys are standing in a corner* TADA! *door opens and in walks the new and still rather cranky Severus*

K: ...o.O Whoa.

*Severus has his hair (now washed and shiny looking) tied back in a ponytail at the nape of his neck. He's wearing a crisp button down white shirt with collar, which is tucked into form fitting black dockers with matching leather belt. He is also wearing a microfiber black coat that comes down to his knees. To finish the outfit off, he's wearing black socks and a pair of Sketchers classix*

K: You guys are good. *still staring*

Carson: I know, isn't he awesome?!

K: Yeah. And even after trying to kill you a bazillion times too.

Sev: *glareglare* Where are my robes?

Carson: Those old things? I gave them to Goodwill.

Sev: ....

K: Uh-oh. *grabs QE boys and runs out of the room*

7 Points| We want points!

[29 Nov 2004|02:16pm]

::enters classroom, grey and white tabby in tow::
::sits down, glares at class and sets the cat down::
::as the cat moves among the students, they see the back half of him has been shaved::
CIS: Today, we are going to learn how to break down a potion into its most basic elements...to see what it's made of.
We'll start with something easy.
I won't tell you what it is until you all have made a guess as to what's in it.
Instructions are on the board. Come up to the desk to get your vial of potion.

RW: Bloody 'ell, that cat's ass is bald! He looks like a bloody baboon!
HG: Ron, I wouldn't say that...
RW: But he does! Just look at him! What...what is he doing?

*the cat stops by rons desk, starts sniffing his shoe. Apparently he decides something because he very deliberately turns around, and pees all over it.*

RW: WTF?!? My SHOE!!!
CIS: Ron, shut up. Not like it was nice anyway
RW: but it was my shoe!
CIS: You shouldn't have insulted him. 20 points from gryffindor for emotionally damaging a professer's cat.
RW: WHAT?!? He's NOT emotionally...whatever! He's a CAT!
CIS: 20 more points for backtalk!
HG: *claps hand over Ron's mouth to make him shut up* He's very sorry professer.
CIS: *sniff*

DM: *whispers* baboon butt!
CIS: *turns draco into a ferret* Lucius...go get him.
Continue on with your work, class.
5 Points| We want points!

Queer Eye for the AHHHHHH!! [23 Nov 2004|02:48pm]

[ mood | frazzled ]

Attention students,

The QE men are nearly finished with their... *ahem* task. However, until that time I will remind you once again to steer away from Professor Snape's chambers. To make sure no one walks in accidentally and gets hit in the crossfire, I've put up several security charms that only I and your other professors (minus Snape) know how to get past. Thus anyone who touches the door to his chambers without taking the charms down first will be turned into Gendo Ikari. That is all.

~Prof. Pyralis

3 Points| We want points!

[23 Nov 2004|12:24pm]

[ mood | vicious ]

I: ::wanders into the classroom carrying her mochacino and taking a drag off her clove:: Alright kids. Sit down sit down... this isn't kindergarten ::looks at the class and goes to look at the sign on the door before slam it shut:: yep... for a second i forgot that this isn't kindergarten....though it feels more like daycare most days anyway.::sighs and puts her clove out on the desk::

He: Ma'am? isn't that desk school property?

I: ... yes?

He: But-

I: I see you three are still fuming about your potions lesson. Now do yourselves a favor, sit down and shut up or i'll give you a REAL reason to be fuming.

Crabbe and Goyle: * giggle smirk!*

I: Don't think you're excluded Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum..

Crabbe and Goyle: ::sink lower in their seats::

I: Now I'm going to give you a real life lesson in deadlines and finals. Your idea of final exams is extremely skewed due to the intervention of evil and all that rot so today I'll give you a real idea of what real exams are like. :: taps her wand on her table and a piece of parchment and a crayon appears on each desk::

M: Heh, got a silver one THIS time.

I: :: turns his crayon neon pink.::

M: ::pouts::

I: You will start your exam with an essay on- YES MISS GRANGER? I hope you have a burning good reason to interrupt me...

He: we haven't studied anything this semester.

I: So? you never study anything ANY semester... anyway your exam is on the metaphysics of donuts. I want two feet. you have half an hour and then we move on to the next section.

Class: ::grumbles and squirms::

I: Well? what are you waiting for? The intervention of the dark lord? ok lets wait.


I: Potter, you dying yet?

P: ummmm no ma'am.

I: Too bad for your classmates then. it's time to start. now. ::looks at the class:: well go! ::sits down at her desk then gets distracted by a shiny object, catches it and tosses it in the wastebasket:: nice try neville. no remembralls during finals...

:: the class starts writing::

I: sweet blessed silence....

2 Points| We want points!

class in session. [23 Nov 2004|03:32am]

yes, well, it's been a while since you little prats have had a proper potions lesson.
What with Sev...I mean Professor Snape (still) being abducted by the Queer Eye folk...hmm...I wonder what they're doing exactly...
in any case.
Resume where we left off.
More lessons to come later.
HP: *looks up from book* But I wasn't sa...
CIS: What did I just say?!? Quiet!
HP: *fumes*
RW & HG: *fume for harry*
6 Points| We want points!

[15 Dec 2003|03:46am]

[ mood | annoyed ]

*Walks into class looking a bit frazzled*

Before we begin today, I would like to remind all Slytherins to please stay away from Professor Snape's chambers for the remainder of the day...unless they want to risk getting objects hurled at them. *clears throat* Well, I've finally finished grading your tests from last time, and I must say that while your grades have not improved, I didn't have anyone try to cheat. Thus proving that our resident scarecrow here did his job nicely. *grins*

Right, please take out your textbooks and read chapter 4. *takes out a clove and her lighter* Ahh...peace and quiet...
*another explosion from the dungeon sounds* ....or not. Keep reading, I'll be back...

We want points!

*raps wand on desk three times* [14 Dec 2003|04:52pm]

[ mood | calm ]

*class falls silent as pink sparks shoot out the end, fizzle, and die*
I know it's been a while since our last lesson.
I don't care.
Directions for this class are on the board.
Dean Thomas: (raising his hand) Professer, why were you subbing for divination?
CIS: because Trelawny had an episode, no doubt caused by you brats, and has been incapacitated for a while.
DT: oh.
CIS: (pointing wand at a giggling Ron, Harry, and Hermione) SILENCIO!
HP, RW, HG: ...
CIS: *big grin* class should be a bit nicer today.
although since our dear Severus is still being tormented by those crazy Queer men, I shall have to teach the full class. Crabbe! That means you...NO SNORING IN MY CLASS!
*Draco nudges Crabbe, who snorts, then looks up at CIS sleepily*
As i thought.
You all are to be reviewing the steps involved in brewing Poly Juice Potion.
There is to be no potion making today.
no wand waving.
CIS: *absentmindedly strokes the slutty tabby cat next to her* Lucius, dear, why are you being so sweet?
LM2E: mrowr?
*all of a sudden, an owl swoops in, clutching a note*
CIS: hmm...*takes note and reads* it's from Sevy...'Help, these guys are bloody loony...my robes...my face...my LINT ROLLER!!' Lint...*blink* uh oh.

2 Points| We want points!

*note* to all the professers [28 Nov 2003|03:41am]

[ mood | sore ]

you should have each recieved a package in your inboxes.
each package contains Professer Irwin-Snape's attempt at making Professer Zantania's special brownies.
The effects should be...er...interesting.

5 Points| We want points!

Re: to all professors whom it concerns [18 Nov 2003|02:30am]

never min. too late to argue now ^.^ Let's just watch the apocalypse fun!
2 Points| We want points!

Queer Eye for the.... who?! [18 Nov 2003|01:54am]

[ mood | laughing ]

*reading book as class takes their seats*
K: Alright, settle down class.
He: *raises hand* Um, Professor? Who are those men at the back of the room?
K: *puts book down* If you must know, they are the men from the hit Bravo show, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and they are doing a very special show here for one of your professors. But don't tell him. It's a surprise. *grin*
Class: *blinks*
He: Yo-you don't mean...Prof. Snape...
K: The one and only.
Queer Eye Guys: *walks around classroom*
Carson: *squeals* Oh my god! Look at this one! *points to Draco* Look at this hair and his clothes! My god, this one has to be gay!
D: *blinkblink* What?!
K: *falls over laughing*
Kyan: *points to Harry* This one is cute too...but his hair. Can we play with some of the boys before getting down to business with this Snape?
K: *still on floor laughing* Cla-class dismissed except the boys! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

7 Points| We want points!

to: all professors whom it concerns [18 Nov 2003|02:27am]

[ mood | creative ]

I'm contemplating begging asking the gentlemen at Queer Eye to do a segment to save help one of our fellow professors. I think we all know who I'm talking about. Kira and I are in the process of attempting to amke this happen. Any disagreements? I hope NOT. ^.^ It should be fun for all parties involved... except maybe one and his opinion.... totally doesn't count. I think we outnumber him. ::wicked laugh:: that is all.

We want points!

*divination?* [16 Nov 2003|09:57pm]

[ mood | annoyed ]

*students file into the divination classroom and give a start, seeing as it's that crazy potions assistant sitting at trelawny's desk*
Chinchilla: (as students are sitting) I am subbing for Trelawny, as she predicted the first day of class, she's come down with a nasty cough due to a bad carrot.
Harry: *waves hand* but, who's teaching remedial potions?
CIS: I am. But you aren't there right now are you?
HP: well...no...
CIS: (to class) I have just been given a prediction by the power of the heavens above...i will be with you but a short time, and then things will resume to normal...
Draco: Duh, she's a sub...
CIS: Ferret, Draco, FERRET.
DM: :-x
CIS: Now I suggest you all not cross me this day, though i predict one of you will, for i am in a foul mood.
We are going to learn to read apple peels today. I want you each to take an apple, peel it...the muggle way mind you, the peelers are on your desk...and throw the peel over your right shoulder. you then look at it, and whatever it looks like tells a bit about your future.
*students grumble about this but do as they are told*
::CIS walks around the room, examining apple peels::
Ohhh Neville, yours is covered in blood...and broken...it means you will die at a young age...yes.
NL: *tears* but...but....::runs to the hospital wing::
CIS: Yes Crabbe, yours looks like a piece of pumpkin pie...it means you will probaby have a fulfilling dessert. mmhmm...Malfoy...Oh my Mr Malfoy...that is laid on in a stripe pattern...it means your dad's in jail...
CIS: SILENCE! I have a vision!! Draco...you're in it...you're heading down to Professer Snape's dungeon, and he is escorting you to the headmaster's office...OH and twenty five points are being taken from your house for backtalk...bloody hell taking points from my own house...
DM: what?
CIS: Go to the dungeons Draco.

2 Points| We want points!

good AFTERNOON kids [08 Nov 2003|01:31am]

[ mood | artistic ]

As you know class was cancelled thanks to the lovely 15 minute rule last time, thanks to those who stayed but it really wasn't necessary and you were wasting valuable time getting high or breaking things or whatever it is you little hoodlums do between classes. I myself had a good time skipping class and vegetating. A professor skipping class seems a ludicrous idea I know but it seemed necessary and I have nothing worth teaching and really I don't think I could've standed have 20 little faces staring at me in anticipation of the eureka moment that would never come. Especially with thisgroup. but don't let my little tirade get you down. get some speed in you and you should function like normal...no never mind, that only works in gerbils, and they start pulling their hair out and eating their babies eventually anyway.

::the class stares at her bewildered. She proceeds to take out a camera and snaps a picture of them:: Now I can show Zantania what a herd of confused lemurs looks like. Jolly good. ::brushes some blue hair behind her ear::

Now. Since we skipped class we're behind but we've always been behind so it's no big deal, we'll just have a few frantic classes before your final while you're busy having frantic classes in all your other periods so at least this class will blend in nicely. Now today we will be studying this :: holds up a roll of a shiny silvery film:: It is known in the muggle world as duct tape. This is sometimes all that holds things together in that world. Allow me to demonstrate ::Snaps her fingers and a skater type appears, looking rather confused as she grabs the chain hanging out of his pocket and yanks on it:: You may go ::opens the wallet attached to the chain:: Robert. ::snaps her fingers and he disappears:: Wallet's are a common item, car, pipes, art projects, and ferris wheel count amongst other examples.

::peels off come duct tape and tapes it to her orange cat's head:: cat's HATE duct tape so don't tape it to them::

Ne: But Madam, didn't you just-

I: Do as I say, not as I do, Neville. Anyway. Duct tape is like the Force, it's got a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together. I hope you're taking notes you'll be tested on this later. Now unlike the Force the light side of the duct tape is the sticky side, the one you're more drawn to when in fact the dark side of the Force is where all the folks are drawn to. This is but one of the unique qualities of duct tape. It is relatively easy to tear, it sticks well, and is even strong enough to make clothing out of it should you desire to do so. I'd like to add that I don't recommend it, duct tape clothing has a tendency to chafe. Everyone will finda roll of duct tape on your desks. you have an hour to make something constructive, perhap even pretty and useful, using the full row of duct tape and only a minimal amount of magic. I've restricted the use of magic only to situations where you absolutely can't do it by hand. There will be no sharing of duct tape, no helping one another, if you don't know your spells or how to properly use your wand then I can't help you. Wands are only to be used in the last 15 minutes. The best made object wins a prize that I haven't determined yet but I will determine very soon. Now get started, have fun.

::the class looks at their duct tape then up at her::

Am I speaking some language othr than English?

::they shake their head and get started wadding up their duct tape and taping things together::

Ah... duct tape sculpture... ::sits down at her desk and pries the cat off it before removing the tape:: Sorry honey.. here's some ham :: puts a plate of ham out for him as he sits there digruntled for a moment before eating, then begins rifling through the skater's wallet:: Hmm.. 4 pounds and a nine pence. OH! and something for Zantania :: puts a small baggie aside:: lovely. Oh yes, I've decided juging will take place next class so go ahead and work until the end of class and then you're dismissed. I'd like an essay from each of you on how you found the duct tape to work with and... some other stuff... ::lights a clove:: have fun.

2 Points| We want points!

*blink* [06 Nov 2003|02:32am]

[ mood | hyper ]

::looks at the clock::
hmm. 2:32 am.
::pops out of her & sevy's dungeon::

We want points!

After class activities [30 Oct 2003|09:06pm]

[ mood | artistic ]

Alright class, settle down. Before you leave class, I have an announcement to make. As many of you know tomorrow is Halloween. Since you all are learning about muggles, I thought that it might be an interesting experience to take you all along with me, especially since I was going out myself anyway. I plan to talk to Professor Arisman about this since she is the muggles studies teacher and asking for her help as well. We might do some trick or treating, go to a haunted house perhaps, the usual muggle thing. The only thing that you have to put together your own costume. No magic! Prof. Arisman and I will know if you've used magic on it, and if we catch you...well, let's just say you won't have a costume much longer. I'm planning a trip to Wal-mart tonight, so you are all invited to come with me and collect any materials you might need. If the costumes are original enough, I might give a prize to the best one. Alright, that is all. You're dismissed. *pulls out a clove from the desk drawer and looks around for a lighter*

1 Point| We want points!

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